Embarking on the journey of marriage is no small feat—it’s about living with someone, facing the ups and downs, and choosing to love them unconditionally, quirks and all. The ability to find humor in the chaos is a true art. As the saying goes, to truly know someone, you must first discover what their spouse says about them. Here are some uproarious quotes from a husband who’s mastered the comedic side of matrimony:
Hilarious Insights into Married Life: A Husband’s Witty Quotes
On Women and Getting a Husband: “At first, a woman doesn’t want anything but a husband, but just as soon as she gets one, she wants everything else in the world.” – Elbert Hubbard
…And on Keeping One: “To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.” – Simone de Beauvoir
On a Woman’s Beauty: “Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.” – Ambrose Bierce
A Theory on How Marriages Fail: “All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” – Raymond Hull
On a Wife Who Never Lets Him Forget It: “Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use two people remembering the same thing.”
“Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”
“The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”
On Lying: “Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.”
On Being Polite by Letting His Wife Talk: “I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.”
…But Not Listening to Her: “My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.”
On Why It’s Called the Opposite Sex: “The reason they’re called the opposite sex is because every time you think you have your wife fooled – it’s just the opposite!” – Walter Winchell
On Chores: “Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done.” – Burt Reynolds
On Being Ignored: “Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.”
On Dealing With the Hard and Real Stuff Together: “When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I ‘take her somewhere expensive’… I took her to a petrol station.”
On Obligations and Contracts: “My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage license.”
And Lastly, On Loving Their Wives: “The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn’t say.” – Alfred Hitchcock
“For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican overlooked.” – Bill Cosby
“Marriage is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you’d miss them.”
“People stay married because they want to, not because the doors are locked.” – Paul Newman
